Gove's guide to a simply glorious Christmas

It's the holidays - so let's face it, you don't have the sort of leisure to read 850 words of literary musings and meanderings that a standard day in the office provides. Instead, this day will be one of the busiest of the year.

There are victuals to locate, gewgaws, bibelots and trumpery to acquire, halls to deck with boughs of holly and merry gentlemen who need to be rested, by God. In this seasonal rush it is the columnist's duty to pass on pocket-size and easily unwrapped nuggets of wisdom that will prove indisputably useful in rendering the next fortnight less complicated. So here goes with my guide to a classically simple Christmas.

If you haven't yet bought a present for any man in your life who is over the age of 40 then get him either Max Hastings' Finest Years or Andrew Roberts' The Storm of War. If he's got both then buy either a bottle of Château Cantemerle from Nicolas or one of Laphroaig. If he's got the books and doesn't drink then you've married a saint with exquisite literary judgment so splash out and get him a nice sea island cotton shirt from Turnbull & Asser -- simply the most luxurious gift you can give any man.

Talking of male clothing, remember the dictum: keep it plain. Do not buy any item that is striped or spotted, paisley or hatched. Socks with clocks and ties with psychedelic swirls are STEPS TOO FAR.

What men need, and indeed what they prefer, is a plain item of the nicest quality you can muster. So dull charcoal socks that are still at least 90 per cent wool are immeasurably more welcome than anything amusing, directional, on trend, slimming or in any way youthful. There's a reason why there's nothing from Dirk Bikkembergs in our wardrobe at the moment, and anything inserted from a designer at this late stage is likely to find itself worn about as often as mink in Clacton.

Eat cheese and be merry

There is never any need for starters at lunch. And that rule holds even more strongly at Christmas. Because the best seasonal drinks are clarets and stickies you need to get on to the cheese and pudding with the minimum of prior fuss. Appetisers, hors d'oeuvres and amuse-bouches only get in the way. If people want something before the fowl then give them gin.

In the same spirit, you only need two vegetables, apart from roast potatoes, alongside the bird. Parsnips and sprouts. Anything else is as pointless as insisting on a name badge for the Queen.

But there's a case for three cheeses. One cheddar, one blue and one soft. However, you'll need only two types of biscuit. Oatcakes and Carr's. Together they form the platonic ideal of biscuitry and mucking around with them (caraway seeds, Marmite flavouring, embedded grains of salt) is nothing more than gilding the lily -- with grains of rust.

There is a terrible tendency to muck around with so many good things at Christmas by adding supposedly seasonal ingredients. Avoid 'em all. Any item to which cinnamon, ginger, candied peel or glitter has been appended should never be consumed. And, following the same principle, do not drink, under any circumstances; mulled wine, Advocaat, Starbucks' eggnog latte or mead.

You may think that the Gove approach to Christmas, that less is always more, falls apart when it comes to children. But it's actually never more important than when advising Santa on what toys to bring. The more bits, bobs, moving parts and fiddly components any toy has, the greater the chance they will be lost, ground underfoot or consumed by an overexcited Jack Russell. Unless you are very careful your Lego Death Star will have no Darth Vader, and your Playmobil Castle will be without a king. So, to avoid tears, buy items of classic simplicity with either very few random bits to lose (scooters, bikes) or gifts where any missing bit is easily replaceable (Monopoly) or presents where there are so many identical items in a simple box it doesn't matter if some go awol (big Lego brantubs and boxes of Airfix soldiers).

Because she's worth it

But, you may say, what about the woman in one's life? Surely all this austere insistence on pared-down classicism, on keeping it simple, has to go out of the window with the love of one's life. Surely here one can go over the top.

Well, I beg to differ. We men always, but always, get it wrong when we stray from the tried and tested. So no adventurous make-up products, items from Ann Summers shops or indeed any lingerie, and certainly not in any amusing/recapture that lost moment/ provocative colours or designs. Opt for jewellery or clothes instead. But no cutting-edge designers.

Just place yourself in the hands of the oldest, most established and respectable firm you can find, take a picture of your beloved so they know her look and style, let them know how much you wish to spend, and then let them persuade you to buy something much more expensive. This simple formula will guarantee you enjoy your Christmas day, I assure you.

Some people say you can't solve problems by throwing money at them. But I find they tend not to be married. Happy Christmas.